At the beginning of their 6th year, the Women of Worth had projects in mind to explore. And, giving back to society in the form of teaching Singles some of the things they need to know before venturing into the marriage business, is one of them. So many pitfalls in marriage could have been avoided if some vital information were known. Hence, the creation of WOW Singles. The first teaching took place on the 10th of September, 2022. Enjoy while you learn alongside. You are welcome!
“Gbenga, Kola, and Femi, which of these guys is right for me”
She was in this confusion for months while under pressure for the answer about the three of them.
She thought to herself:
“I think the best bet is to seek spiritual assistance. Maybe a Pastor or Prophet will be able to tell me which of them God has chosen for me”.
So, she told her mom, who consulted three separate pastors on her behalf. And their answers were the same – It was Femi!
“Without any doubt, Femi is the Will of God for me”, she soliloquized, sighed, and smiled as she made her way to her phone gallery to steal a look at her husband-to-be for the umpteenth time.
“Femi is a handsome young man”, she blushed.
=======INTERCEPTION======
Before we go into the teaching, I’ll like to let you know that being interested in a gathering like this shows how much you want to get it right in marriage.
We can’t deny that the marriage territory has become a scary place to thread on. There are discouraging and heartbreaking stories here and there to attest to the new-generation reality of marriage, most of which are true. No matter how bad it gets, well-informed people will always have better options for the journey beyond the nuptials.
To start with, being confused about your choice of a life partner is okay. Your fear of marrying the wrong person is valid, and your confusion is a pointer to an awareness of wrong and right in choice-making. A measure of fear breeds the necessary carefulness to decide whom to marry. Because, my sister, you cannot throw away carefulness when you are on this boat. The problem, however, is to fail to seek help when you find yourself at this junction.
I know the world has made up different quotes to make you disregard your values and go for just anybody. You hear things like, “Marriage is a black market”, “Having a good man is by luck”, “No one is perfect, just marry anyone”, etc. And they always have examples to convince you of these sayings.
If love is blind, expect marriage to open your eyes. So, if you approach marriage with a “black market mentality”, the morning will come, and it will be clear what you have bought in your dark market.
My husband always says, “If you believe no one is perfect, endeavor to choose the imperfections you can manage”. Some qualities and values are non-negotiable regarding whom you want to settle down with. So, carefully select your perfections and imperfections.
I’ve had friends tell me, “You’re just lucky”. Okay, maybe I chose to be lucky. It still boils down to ‘choice’. You don’t stumble on a beautiful marriage. You decide to have one, work towards it, and when you lay hold on it, you build and sustain it.
The stories of divorce and separations we hear and see are enough to caution us against inadequate preparations. A true Marriage is not about the transient material things and the mushy feelings of love and affection.
And just like the devil prepares, we must see beyond the wedding day. We cannot overemphasize the devil’s craftiness: When we’re still planning for tomorrow, he’s planning for the next generation. He knows if he can cause you to mismarry, he can produce more kids from disorganized homes, thus building a perverse community for himself.
I recently saw statistics on the crime rate amongst youths that show that each 10 percent increase in the percentage of children living in single-parent homes typically leads to a 17 percent increase in juvenile crime.
Therefore, you will agree that the way to have a saner community with a lesser crime rate, especially amongst youth, is by building healthy homes. That kind of home is beyond reach if you pick the wrong father for your children.
So, when we talk about choosing the right man, it’s not just about you. Unfortunately, you’ll have the first and biggest consequences of your choice, but your innocent children would have to partake in it.
The devil is fighting seriously ahead to have your marriage, your kids, and your life. But you can win him by taking the first right step.
Please, say this: “I can get it right… I can have a beautiful home”.
I haven’t forgotten we have a drama unfolding. We’ll get back to the story after this little exercise.
So, my birthday is in November. I have already got a dress. Now, I have many shoe options, and I need someone to help me pick a matching one for my dress. I have a White heel shoe, another flat Red, also a Navy-blue peep toe, in short, I have all the major colors and designs of footwear that you can think of.
So, who’s picking for me?
Yes! Just as I envisaged! I knew you were going to ask some questions:
What’s the color of the dress? Is it long or short? Is it Native or English? etc.
This is to establish the fact that having sound knowledge of who you are, precedes knowing your right match. This takes us to the first point of knowing the right person.
- Who are you?
Who you are, determines who is right.
Let’s get back to our story.
So, Gbenga is out!
Kola is out!
Femi is the chosen one!
Of course, you know that this is a true story, right?… And then the lady is Me.
Breaking News!!!
I didn’t marry Femi or any of those two!
Why?
We’ll get there.
I am using this personal experience to let you know that the decision to marry someone goes far beyond feelings, whether it is your feeling or the feeling of friends, parents, or prophets. Marriage is a product of knowledge and understanding between two people.
So, how did knowing whom I am helped me to decide against Femi?
Okay, let me tell you something about me.
You already know that I’m a Nurse, right?
Yeah, but I’m a Nurse by profession and not by passion. I knew early enough that my path would be around relationship/marriage matters. And somehow, I knew I would be married to someone who isn’t into a professional career but relationship stuff. I knew that my marriage had a 100% connection with my purpose, so I looked out for guys with such a template. Even though this still doesn’t make all guys with similar passions fit in, at least I don’t have to bother considering those who aren’t going in such a direction.
There are many good Christian guys out there, but that a man is good doesn’t make him a good match for you. There’s nothing wrong with a square that makes it not fit into a round hole; it’s just not the right shape for the hole. When it finds a square hole, it will fit perfectly into it. So, your kind determines your match.
Still on the question of, “Who are you?”
You don’t have to answer that question right now. It’s for further pondering. Please do if it requires you to ask God to open your eyes to your person, your passion, your dreams, your purpose, and all.
I remember my mum asking me if I was looking for a perfect man because it appeared like I was. In response, I said, “No. When I see what I’m looking for, I know it”. Because I am me and I understood my life pattern and where I was heading, so I knew who can walk with me.
Many of you haven’t met yourself. Until this happens, you’ll meet the right guy and won’t even know it.
– What are my dreams and aspirations in life?
– What are my values?
– What is my temperament?
– What kind of family do I want to build?
– What kind of people do I naturally flow with?
– What do I want, and what do I need?
These and many more are questions you should be able to answer for yourself before even thinking relationship. Self-discovery precedes partner search.
Sometimes, knowing your kind of person alone already rules out all your suitors. If you know you’re purely a career person, you won’t have to think twice about a guy who wants a full housewife. You’re simply not going the same way. Remember the bible says, “Can two walk together except they agree?” Amos 3:3.
Now Back to Femi.
Femi is a medical doctor. The few times we’d sat to talk about our future, he didn’t appear to me like someone who fitted in, but you know, some things may not be so obvious. So, won’t cross him just yet. And this takes us to the second point of how to know the right guy for you.
- Who is he?
Now, this is the tricky aspect of it all. You can know yourself well and think someone fits in perfectly when you barely know this person. You see, I’ve realized that most times, the question of knowing if someone is right for you or not, is more of wanting to know how to know the person. What do I mean?… If you have the present and future of that guy you’re confused about x-rayed to you, I bet you’ll know if it’s a Yea or Nay that instant.
So, the cause of confusion is either you don’t have enough knowledge of who this person is, or you have enough knowledge which already disqualifies the person, but you’re trying to push your luck because he’s TDHR (Tall, Dark, Handsome and Rich).
So, back to Femi.
Before that day, he asked me to date him, we’d worked together several times, and I had the opportunity to observe a lot of things about him. And trust me, I’m good at that. I observed the way he addressed people, the way he reacted when patients vexed him, and the way he handled the work pressure. Think of anything.
And with what I observed, Femi was the real G! He was simply cool and collected!
One way to know a person’s true character is to see how he treats people, especially the less privileged. He may treat you well and be extraordinarily nice, but that doesn’t make him a kind human. Check how he reacts when a conductor messes with him, how he talks to his parents, treats his siblings and what he says about church members. Listen to the gist of the incident at his workplace and the part he played. He tells you the gateman was rude to him, and in return, he slapped him, and you applauded him! Your slap is doing press up because that’s his way of dealing with people that are rude to him, and you’ll be rude to him someday in marriage.
You know those qualities to look out for already; he must be patient, loving, caring, etc.
There’s no end to knowing a person. I mean, even in marriage, I’m still getting to know my husband and vice versa. But some basic knowledge is non-negotiable. The way he reasons, his character, his view about different aspects of life, his moral values, his spiritual stance, and all. Some people are not Christians who communicate with God, yet they get the basics right by being observant. Being spiritual should be a plus for you. I mean, spirituality should make you see more, not less.
The truth is, if you’re dull in sensing things and can’t observe your environment and process information, even if God says “come”, you’ll be hearing “go”.
Please, do not start asking, “Tell me your family values” or “Tell me about your character”.
These things flow from the abundance of conversations. That’s why courtship isn’t a time to be asking, “What are you doing now?”, “Have you eaten?” “Are you missing me?” Don’t get me wrong, please. I did all of these when I was courting but much more. Courtship is a topic for another day, but for the sake of clarification, it’s okay to ask all of those silly romantic questions but don’t sleep there. Wake up!
Read books, watch movies and review them together, talk about projects, talk about your upbringing, and have discussions about things that are important to you both. A person cannot pretend through all of these. He’ll mess up somewhere. The simple way to pick a pretender is by checking inconsistency in his conversations. I usually say that “No matter how good a guy is at pretending; he can never outsmart a sensitive lady”. So, I don’t believe in, “He was pretending” No, you were not observant.
Those questions I listed to ask yourself, you should be able to answer them for the guy you are considering marrying.
Back to Femi, again.
Remember, I said from my observations of his attitude over time, I already checked that he was good. And then three Pastors said it was him. Even though he didn’t appear to fit into the family picture I had in my head, I was ready to follow the process through.
So, as he walked me to the hospital gate that day, he asked me out. And in my heart, I felt like, “Yes! Guy, I knew you were coming, I’ve gone ahead to pray about it, and heaven has chosen you “. Don’t mind me. The dramatic gist is just to let you know we’re humans, after all. Anyway, I calmly told him I would need some time to prayerfully think about it.
And this takes us to the last but most important way to know the right guy. It’s okay if you don’t get those first two points perfectly, but you can’t miss this last one.
- Talk to God.
I hope you’re aware that God instituted marriage, and it’s not just because he was bored. He’s not a purposeless God. For everything he creates, there’s a purpose. Though it appears marriage has been hijacked by the world system today, the purpose of God has not changed. No matter what society has made of marriage today, it remains an institution made by God for a very honorable purpose, and as Christians that I assume we all are, we are destined to choose God.
Since God instituted marriage, don’t keep that aspect of your life away from Him. He’s interested in your love life. He puts that emotion there. God wants you to fall in love, but with the right person. And, He’s more than willing to guide you.
We’ve talked about knowing yourself and knowing the guy. These are processes that work when subjected to the control of the Holy Spirit. So, even if you know yourself so well and you have checked that this guy fits in, according to your observations, and maybe like me, Pastors have told you he’s the right guy. We still need to see what God is saying because, in the long run, we are all humans.
Now, this is the part we don’t like because we think it’s difficult to hear God. But really, it’s not. If you’ve been a Christian, God must have been speaking to you somehow, and yeah, this wouldn’t be different. Even if you’re unsure of God’s voice or leading, if you keep a sincere and open heart, God will come to you at your level, such that you would know that this is God.
God can speak to us through our intuitions, through situations, through our feelings, through leadings, and dreams. And some people here are Elders in the spirit. They hear God’s voice clearly in broad daylight. Sometimes, He speaks by making that guy break your heart because it’s the only way to save you from that hellish way you’re heading. One sweet thing about the Holy Spirit is that; He’s always speaking; even sometimes, after you’ve grabbed the message, He will keep on saying it. I tell people that even in this marriage, I still get convictions that confirm that I have married rightly. So, if you marry wrongly, you’ll keep seeing the fruit of your choice.
Let’s finish up with Femi’s story.
I started talking to God. And sharpened my spirit mind to pick His voice. One day, after church service, as I was about to catch a bike back home, it just occurred to me to check Femi at work. The hospital was just a walking distance anyway, so I walked down and didn’t find him in the hospital. On a normal day, I would have just left, but I felt to check him in his apartment in the hospital quarters.
I got there and knocked and knocked. It took forever for him to open, and when he finally did, he was all sweaty. I went in and found a lady lying on the bed. I acted like I didn’t see anything and then told him I was just passing by and decided to check on him. He escorted me to the door and was explaining that the lady was his cousin who came to spend the weekend. Please note that I didn’t ask him any questions. Plus, I didn’t see the lady’s face as she was facing the wall. But I’m not an idiot. As I was going back home, I could literally hear God saying, “You’ve seen for yourself, now decide”.
I didn’t need any more confirmation. Only a fool would ask for more signs after seeing that. Yet, God didn’t stop showing me signs that it was not him. The day he left his phone in my office, a revealing message popped up. And several different things started to happen. I discovered Femi was living a complexly false life.
Please note that Femi wasn’t a random street guy. He was a “Christian” at that time. He was even the Papa in his fellowship. You know all those Fellowship President stuff. He was a tongue-firing brother. So, you see, it’s not about a person’s ministerial position. Don’t let your guard down because he’s a “Bro” or youth Pastor. A lady shared how she suffered all manners of abuse from her Pastor Husband before she eventually ran for her life. Psychopaths carry Bibles and hold microphones to “preach”.
Now, how come three Pastors picked the person whom the Lord had rejected as my husband?
I don’t know, really, and it’s not my business, as long as I conquered. All I know is that Pastors are still humans. Remember how Prophet Samuel was going to choose the wrong king? He said, “Surely, this is the Lord’s anointed”, But what did the Lord say to Samuel? “…I have rejected him…” 1Samuel 16:7 NLT
How come Prophet Samuel was going to pick the wrong person?
Also, in 1Kings 22, about 400 Prophets said one thing while one Prophet said the opposite, but the 400 were lying. So, it’s not in the number. It’s not about how many people have said, “Awwwn, you look good together”. Of course, you can look good together with a wolf in sheep’s clothing, until the clothe wears off.
Meanwhile, my mum, on the other hand, kept pressuring me, as three pastors have confirmed. But this is my marriage, not anyone else’s. The decision is solely mine to make, just as the consequences will be mine alone to bear.
Your Parents, Pastors, Mentors, or what have you can guide you under the leading of the Holy Spirit, but be sure you’re not misguided. And, the way to know if a guidance is Spirit-led or not is by you being in the Spirit yourself.
In summary, knowing the right man for you goes beyond feelings or prophetic seeing. It has a lot to do with knowing who you are, being observant, and relying on God for guidance. If you see yourself as a worthless person with no direction, you’ll gladly accept a lost man because he’ll appeal to your taste. If you’re blind, you’ll court for ten years and never meet the real person until you marry.
Final Words
Years from now, the decadence in many homes might deepen and the experience of marriage for many people could turn sour. No matter how it gets, that beauty you desire in a home is possible.
The choice you make today adds to the statutory reality of tomorrow’s family. And when you switch the gear in retrospect, it’s either a sigh of bliss or grief.
Your choice is the wand and it’s all you have to do to help resharpen the idea of marriage around us.
So, get it right, and do not hesitate to ask for counsel if you seem to need one at any point on this journey.
Remember Prov11:14NKJV
“Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors, there is safety.”
Thank you.
Topic: Knowing the Right Man For You
Date Delivered: 10th September 2022.
Name of Lecturer: Kemi Adebumiti
Beautiful lecture